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[Story] The Lonely Archer


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Chapter 1 - The Beginning

 

Alyssa came home from hunting , She puts the dead animals she would make a meal of later

 and her bow and arrows on the table outside

and proceeds to walk into her home.

.She lived by herself in a small wooden house on a mountain , Surrounded by a forest as far as the eye could see.

She then walks to her dresser and pulls out a picture of a family , the edge of the picture is burned.

She sits down on the wooden couch she made.

Teardrops roll down her cheeks onto the picture.

''I promise you.. I will make this world a peaceful place again.. I promise you.. ''

 

 

Alyssa was a young girl , she was 16 years old and was a really good archer.

Although she lived alone in a world which wasn't as peaceful as it used to be , She tried to make the best of it.

Alyssa had long pink hair , blue eyes and was quite small for her age .

She often hunts down monsters to keep her house safe , and to take revenge for the terrible things they did to her in the past.

She promised her family to make the world peaceful again , Without Pain , Without Unhappyness , Without Sadness

Without these pesky monsters.

 

-10 years earlier-

 

Alyssa once had a family , A father and a mother, and a little sister.

They lived so happily together untill her dad , who was the most skilled archer in the entire region and her mom , who was a very skilled Priestess, had to join a war , to fight off the evil creatures that appeared after a big earthquake 1000 years ago. People said portals to the underworld were opened , and so the evil creatures could come to the world we once knew to be peaceful and quiet , Every 100 years a big wave of these evil creatures appear in the peaceful world we call Lydra , Every 100 years the best mages , fighters , clerics , archers and assasins are being send to the front lines to fight off the evil creatures who destroy the peaceful world Lydra , But this time... The tide decided to take a turn for the worse.

Her father , who was the best marksman in the entire region joined the front lines.

And so did her mother , as a beautiful priestess , aiding her dad in the front lines.

 

But....

 

The waves kept coming and the monsters kept growing stronger.

Before they knew , Many lives were lost,  Including her mother and father.

The little child we know as The Lonely Archer was very scared.

She was hiding in her home , located in the middle of the town called Ports of Labrantia

She heard terrible screaming outside . People screaming for help and crying of pain.

Houses were being burned down and destroyed by the evil creatures who already invaded the town she lived in.

Then suddenly one of the evil creatures broke down the door of the house she was hiding in.

The poor little girl ran upstairs and heard her little baby sister crying loudly , she ran into her baby sisters room and grabbed her , She quickly broke down the window with a chair and proceeded to jump out of the window.

The height was higher then she thought it would be.

Her leg was injured , But she had to keep being strong for her little sister.

She saw the terror of people being ripped apart by these creatures , People who were on fire.

And the remaining heroes fighting for their world .

''Hey kid! Get out of here!''

The girl looked up , and there she saw a man , He looked like he was in his teenage years.

He was holding a long sword , with on the end black blood from the monsters.

He then proceeded to point in the direction of a huge forest

And gave her a little push.

Running for the life of her little sister and herself , she fled into a forest

She didn't know what happened to her mother and father either.

 

After running for a while , she crushed down , in the middle of an unknown forest .

She cried loudly while holding her little baby sister who was only 3 months old close to her.

She was only 6 years old  back then , Yet she had to face such tragedy.

What future would her and her little baby sister have?

Confused and scared she shouted :

''MOMMY!! DADDY!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!!?''

 

-Chapter 1 , End-

 

Chapter 2 - The Unknown Forest

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The little girl was sitting on the muddy ground , confused and scared.

She looked down into the eyes of her little baby sister , She had beautiful blue eyes , just like herself.

Her hands slowly stroke through her little baby sisters, short , blue hair.

She then realized she needed to be stronger ''I have to be strong for my little sister!''

''I can't.. Just keep crying and hoping that my mom and dad will come by any moment''

''I have to be strong...''

And with those words , She stood up , Even though her ankle was still injured from the jump , She kept walking forward

With her little sister on her back.

It was so dark in the forest that she couldn't see anything.

Suddenly , She heard a high pitched sound comming from behind her.

''Kreeeeeeeeeeghhh''

''EEEKKK!!''

The girl fell down and her baby sister started crying.

Infront of the girl was one of the evil creatures she saw back in the village.

It had a pale white snake-like body , a gaping hole which looked like its mouth.

In that hole there were 5 rows of sharp razor teeth , it also had 1 big red eye

The girl stood up immediatly and started running.

But then.. Tentacles rose out of the evil creatures mouth and strangled her little baby sister on her back.

Ripping it off her back.

The girl reached out her hand , Trying to grab her little baby sister.

But the evil creature pulled her away too quickly.

She fell and could only watch ..

Watch how her own little sister got ripped apart and eaten.

She was frozen solid , Still sticking out her hand while her eyes were full of terror and of extreme sadness.

Slowly tears came rolling down her cheeks.

''No.... No... NO NO NO!!!! ''

The monster was making a gurgling sound while it swallowed the remains of her little baby sister.

The monster then contineud to come closer to the girl who was frozen solid on the ground , still reaching out her hand.

''This...This can't be...''

The tentacles were slowly wrapping around the girl on the ground who was still in shock.

 

All of a sudden Several firebolts struck the monster , The Tentacles which were being wrapped around the girl.

Suddenly fell apart , leaving blood stains everywhere.

Making the girl free from the grip of the tentacles.

The girl fainted , The last thing she could remember before fainting , was a figure.. A figure who killed the monster.

''Why... Why had this had to happen''

She quietly says these words before fainting.

-Chapter 2 - The End-

 

-To Be Contineud-

In the next chapter she finds out who the figure was who saved her.

You find out more about ''The Lonely Archer'' , The girl who lost her little baby sister in a tragic event.

And the last chapter which takes place in the past.

The chapters after this one will take place in the normal time.

Chapter 1 , 2 , 3 will be part of a flashback.

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Brace for incoming criticism.

First off, I really enjoyed reading your story!  I can't wait to see what happens next.  Who saved Alyssa?  Is there a way to stop the monsters for good?

Originally I was going to say I didn't care for how you've centered the story, but after reading through a few more times I've decided it works surprisingly well.  Intentional or not, it reads somewhat like free verse.  I like it.

There's just a few things I want to point out that might help you moving forward:

  • You're telling the readers what's happening, and this is fine, but it would be more effective if you showed us.  It might take longer to write, but it reads a bit smoother. Don't tell us she's a great archer, show us how she handles her bow, etc.
  • There are one or two instances where you switch between present and past tense (Chapter 1 has a couple of these.) "Alyssa had long pink hair...  She often hunts down monsters..."
  • While I really like some of your descriptions, in some cases you don't go into very much depth.  Tell us about the unknown forest, tell us more about the village being attacked, how it smelled, heat of the fire, etc.

In any case, I can't wait to read more!

[spoiler]

Just for the record, I'm not trying to be mean; I really do look forward to reading what is posted in the writing section and I want to encourage more people to write their own stories.  Helping people who are willing to listen is all I intend to do.  pls don't hate me.

But you don't have to listen to a word I say if you don't want to.  It's your story, tell it how you want.  

What do I know, anyway?   ;)

[/spoiler]

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