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[Story] [Action] A Man's Fall! (WIP)


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This is the story I will be working on throughout the next couple of months/weeks. I will be trying my best to finish these as soon as possible. I hope you enjoy reading these and will leave criticism behind. 
 
 
Thank you and enjoy! :3
 

Prologue

[spoiler]

  "Check," said Lyn in an assured and confident voice, with a smile running across her blemishless face. Returning to her position, she carefully observed my moving hand and remained silent, careful not to give any of her so called 'flawless' and 'valuable' tactics away. I attempted to move my king one space to the right, but ceased to do so as she chuckled under her breath.

 

We sat silently in the room, calm, and focused on the chess game. 

 

A single sheet of snow fell upon the town of Handsworth, leaving only the lights visible. Silent: the town stayed, through the rest of the morning and evening. It was the typical weather, snowing right through December. Living in the town at the time felt as if it was lifeless - as if you were the only humans in the town of Handsworth. Though, through every other month of the year, the town was copacetic.The people of the town were kind, generous, and fair.

 

In the pitch black sky, a single slit of bright light cut through the blinds and shone down upon Lyn's white king piece. The light focused itself on Lyn's king piece, moving gently from one side to another, then vanishing into thin air.  As I peered outside, I saw nothing but the pitch black sky and the town of Handsworth. I then returned to the chess game...

 

"Mate," said Lyn, as she cried in excitement. She lifted herself from her chair and danced in unmitigated joy and delectation. She prided herself on her sportsmanship, sincerity, and virtues. Lyn was candour; she would never lie under any circumstance. She was honest, reliable, and always tranquil. During every single second of every single hour, she would be euphoric; bursting with energy. 

 

As I peered once more out of the window, I saw nothing but a lifeless town, silent, and still.

[/spoiler]

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This is the story I will be working on throughout the next couple of months/weeks. I will be trying my best to finish these as soon as possible. I hope you enjoy reading these and will leave criticism behind. 
 
 
Thank you and enjoy! :3
 

Prologue

[spoiler]

  "Check," said Lyn in an assured and confident voice, with a smile running across her blemishless face. Returning to her position, she carefully observed my moving hand and remained silent, careful not to give any of her so called 'flawless' and 'valuable' tactics away. I attempted to move my king one space to the right, but ceased to do so as she chuckled under her breath.

 

We sat silently in the room, calm, and focused on the chess game. 

 

A single sheet of snow fell upon the town of Handsworth, leaving only the lights visible. Silent:, (If ya can't see, I put a comma in there instead of a colon) the town stayed, through the rest of the morning and evening. It was the typical weather, snowing right through December. Living in the town at the time felt as if it was lifeless - as if you were the only humans in the town of Handsworth (we just read the name up there, no need). Though, through every other month of the year, though, the town was copacetic. The people of the town were kind, generous, and fair.* 

 

In the pitch black sky, a single slit of bright light cut through the blinds and shone down upon Lyn's white king piece. The light focused itself on Lyn's king piece, (again, "the piece" will do, as we haven't had any other such things to confuse it with in this paragraph) moving gently as it moved gently from one side to another, then vanished into thin air (You changed tenses here, from past to present).  As I peered outside, I saw nothing but the pitch black sky and the town of Handsworth. I then returned to the chess game...

 

"Mate," said Lyn, as she cried in excitement. She lifted herself from her chair and danced in unmitigated joy and delectation. She prided herself on her sportsmanship, sincerity, and virtues. Lyn was candour; she would never lie under any circumstance. She was honest, reliable, and always tranquil. During every single second of every single hour, she would be euphoric; bursting with energy.* 

 

As I peered once more out of the window, I saw nothing but a lifeless town, silent, and still.

[/spoiler]

 

Alrighty. I've done what I did before in terms of editing, in bold blue, because red reminds me of math tests.

I feel the need to mention I'm barely older than you, so my experience is... limited, at best. Therefore, this may all be bunk.

 

The blue asterisks mark, along with underlines, the two places in which the phrase "show, don't tell" applies. You may have felt it necessary at the time of writing, but we do not need to know all about Lyn yet; good characters develop throughout the story. Show her character through actions, mannerisms and dialogue; description is fine, but don't use it too often. The town description I'm iffy about--will we get to know people in the town? Is it an involved backdrop, or are the characters gonna be thrown into silent hill? Personally, I dunno what I'd do. Perhaps keep the description, but use a bit less renaissance-faire sounding descriptors, like "The people were nice, as rural townsfolk go." I'm assuming this takes place in modern day, so why would he describe the people as "fair"?

 

That's it for the b*tching. Again, at this stage I can't say much more. Stories are all 'bout dat plot, so I'll just have to hang in there 'till more stuff happens. That means don't stop, or I'll hire people to tap on your window while you're trying to sleep. :p

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Alrighty. I've done what I did before in terms of editing, in bold blue, because red reminds me of math tests.
I feel the need to mention I'm barely older than you, so my experience is... limited, at best. Therefore, this may all be bunk.
 
The blue asterisks mark, along with underlines, the two places in which the phrase "show, don't tell" applies. You may have felt it necessary at the time of writing, but we do not need to know all about Lyn yet; good characters develop throughout the story. Show her character through actions, mannerisms and dialogue; description is fine, but don't use it too often. The town description I'm iffy about--will we get to know people in the town? Is it an involved backdrop, or are the characters gonna be thrown into silent hill? Personally, I dunno what I'd do. Perhaps keep the description, but use a bit less renaissance-faire sounding descriptors, like "The people were nice, as rural townsfolk go." I'm assuming this takes place in modern day, so why would he describe the people as "fair"?
 
That's it for the b*tching. Again, at this stage I can't say much more. Stories are all 'bout dat plot, so I'll just have to hang in there 'till more stuff happens. That means don't stop, or I'll hire people to tap on your window while you're trying to sleep. :P

Thanks a lot! c:

I'll make adjustments to the original peice and I'll see if it 'works'.

 

1) I'll add in the comma.

2) He describes the people as fair because it's a nice town, the people live in harmony with each other and rarely cause problems. They treat each other equally and without prejudice.

3) I'll remove the name.

4) I'll change the fourth paragraph.

5) I'll make changes to the description of Lyn.

Forgot to change her name as 'Lyn' was her name in the draft...

 

I'll probably develop the characters and surroundings much more before fully launching the story into the plot.

Thanks a lot for the reply!

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