Mariah

Excuse me while I research beautiful places to drown myself.~

Welp, mine is over 9000.... [spoiler]i hate myself for making that joke...[/spoiler]

High standards, and actually getting to know the person before getting into an actual relationship with them, you'd be amazed at the things you'd find out about someone if you took the time to actually listen to them. Quite a simple method really. Yeahhh, I don't have these problems anymore.~

It's really quite alright. I know better now. ;o

I was 18 maybe 19 at the time, he was 20 (definitely had a child's mind). It was one of those relationships where the other person turned out not to be who you thought, and you ended up regretting not rejecting them. Like he failed to tell me he lived with his mother, which honestly I wouldn't have minded if he wasn't such a bastard to her, or a bastard in general. I actually think he's in jail now last that I've heard. What a pathetic person. Now I'm starting to wonder why I dated half the people I did. :s

I had an ex who was obsessed with that game. He would literally neglect me for it. It was bad, like he would actually lie about even playing it. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last very long. His priorities were all messed up, he'd belligerently fight with his mother when she'd try to get him to stop playing over the simplest things. It was really sad.~

I could break your wrists and call that contemporary art! (just kidding.~) But seriously; When i'm bored at work I sometimes tend to draw, nothing i'm not self conscious about showing. I'm really into body art though (tattoos) I have a few actually. Being able to do tattoos is something i'd like to learn. I believe tattoos are the most sacred forms of art, your body is a temple. I say decorate it.

No idea where else to vent this, no idea why I feel the need to, no idea why i'm even feeling this way, not even sure if this is really happening.. I just want to avoid another existential crisis.. A neat little thing about me is how distant and detached I am as a person. For instance, I will cover myself in make up, wear fake eyelashes, etc. Because I intentionally want to look fake, I would rather look like an anime girl (not literally) than an actual person. Being told I don't look natural is taken as a compliment compared to being told I have natural beauty, I don't feel or can't even feel like myself without having been pampered. I'll see myself as if i'm looking from a third person perspective, completely baffled by the fact i'm a living thing while completely just feeling like a void. I have trouble telling if what I feel is sub consciously artificial or if they're actually natural things I feel. I find it difficult to accept that i'm my own person. I'll find myself constantly identifying myself with things. Some dark, like "The rabid fox that no one has the heart to put down" or some light "The maturing bird that's just learning how to fly" but then there's time's like this where I just feel completely empty, as if i'm just a socket of the universe that shows it's becoming self aware and if I was to live or die would be completely insignificant no matter how many people claim they would miss me. I feel like I can't connect to anyone, I feel like empathy isn't entitled or obligated (like respect) but earned, I don't have anybody I can really discuss my morbid things with (not a therapist, ew). I can't share most of the things I think about, nor could really let anyone into my intimate life, passionate life, emotional life, or psychological life. Just basic interests (and barely offline) The only person I even remotely let in offline is my girlfriend, and there's things she will never understand about me, things that she wouldn't even be capable of understanding. Maybe that's why i'm so at ease with sharing this here, yet I will feel no sense of understanding besides maybe sympathy. But in the "real world" (whatever that is), I constantly have to wear a mask, or face constant ridicule. People don't look at me and expect me to be doing things like for instance using a website for a Pokemon game that I "secretly" play. It's like besides the confines of my bedroom door I am forced to live my life according to the standards excepted of me by the world I live in that I feel no real part of. I could consider some of you my friend's, but when I look at you all through my distorted eyes we're not the same. In appearance we're both human, internally, physically, genetically, etc. Some people (no one in specific) I do see myself as superior to, but it's not a superiority complex. I identify it as you're all the natives and this is your world, and i'm the long lost Martian traveler just trying to blend in to survive. We can converse normally, your hand can touch mine and my skin will feel the same as yours (only smoother) and you can look directly in my eyes and say we're really having a connection. But I am simply detached from my surroundings. And it's nothing personal, i'm as sensitive still as I am disconnected. Something as simple as watching an ant die will send me into tears, or something as adorable as Emily and Barrage breaking up, would honestly make me cry. So it's not that I don't care about people, I luv people I may have violent thoughts, daydreams, and dreams including people or myself, but I by no means would kill anybody... It's just that personally I am just not entirely there. You'll never meet a girl as warped and as distant as I am, it has it's perks but at the same time, i'm constantly stuck with that feeling of being surrounded by people who love/like/tolerate me but feeling alone all the time. I'm happy and miserable at the same time, excited but terrified, scattered and dizzy, and dissociative. This is the best i can explain it, the best I could put what i'm feeling right now into words. If telepathy was real, then you could see it vividly for yourself. Maybe when that's possible i'll finally be able to establish a real understanding with someone. ;~; [spoiler]((maybe i should seek help))[/spoiler] I'm an Angel that's about to fall, but it has nothing to do with forsaking.~ [spoiler][youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYGuIhlqHYE[/youtube] I can identify with this song.[/spoiler] Goodnight. Can't sleep. e.e

It's funny actually, it started as a thing that I would only use when i'm being condescending. Then it developed into a habit, and became progressively more and more of a part of everything I type. ;~; I've lost complete control over it. Though I force myself now to try and use it less. But it slips always. (Almost just happened here) Likewise, at least not complete strangers. Unless of course they're only doing it as a way of "indirectly" coming on to me, in which case I forget their names completely. But there have been moments where people have done something sincerely that made me happy.~

Welp for example, if a complete stranger makes me extremely happy some how (even insignificantly) then tells me their name. I will never forget them.~

It's like they tell me their name, and I just nod my head. But seemingly it's like I didn't even configure it. There been times people came up to me, who already have introduced themselves to me, and i'd ask them if i've met them before. They'd think i'm being a "rude bitch", but it's really just a matter of i completely forgot we even met. But after that, i would then remember them. It's that bad for me. Alcoholism, aye.~ [spoiler]People who make an impact on my life some how, even insignificantly I remember and always remember.[/spoiler]

Oh i have this problem too, among just forgetting things after I was just told them, rarely i'd forget what I was in the middle of doing, when I was drinking i'd sometimes forget where I am, but the my biggest memory flaw is remembering names. I hardly remember anyone's name unless i've interacted with that person more than once. I know you all practically by username lmao. But what really bothers me most about my really scattered memory is; The fact that I can't remember shit really, but at least I know every lyric to Lil Wayne's 3 peat, which came out years ago.... l:

Andddddd so it continues.~

She was actually my first, before OS and Emilyy.~ [spoiler][/spoiler] I was born this way, unreal and detached. I see things as cynical, I put the fun in funeral.~ On another note; I just remembered I have four warning points. ;~; inb4 i'm the next banned.

I was born unreal and detached. I see things as cynical, i put the fun in funeral.~ On another note; I just remembered i have four warning points. ;~; inb4 i'm the next banned.

Still not nearly as bad as the American media. They would have called it rape here.~

Jealous, i love strawberries, i love plants. Gimmie.

I miss her too, her and I were getting relatively close. We were supposed to hang out considering she lived practically forty five minutes from me. But, i ended up moving, and deactivated my Facebook, and she got banned. She was one of the first people I befriended on this game.~ I still can't help but think whenever she's brought up that she wanted to fuck me. Haha

My one lovely day off of the week, where i get to just sleep in and relax all day. Our pool is finally open too, i'm totally going swimming. My day is entirely brightened, and it hasn't even started yet.~ Nightnight

If that generation wants edgy, then her and I shall give them exactly that. Maybe it'll strike some fear into their lives and they'll start acting like regular people (haha what a stupid thing to wonder.)

Umf, we'd make millionnnnssssss

Please pm me them or skype me them sometime, i would l o v e to share. Because I have some rather violent dreams, and daydreams too.~ Plus, i don't really have anyone i can share these kinds of things with. ;~: