I can feel ur pain plo...
Last year when my aunt died, i kinda felt the same way. It was a rather precious moment when i walked into that door to her death bed, my mother said that she's under heavy narcotics and has a problem with remembering and seeing whats around her. The moment i walked in she said "ı've known only two children with such beauty, one is my dead son and the other is "real name" so it must be you, but why waste your time with a dead woman rather than studying?" She was a stubborn one so it was hard to make her happy. Since she was in so much pain and sadness, i decided to soften things up for her a little and said "i can study for another year but i might not see you an other time, so lets cut the emotional stuff" so she was smiling at me before her last breath finally came.
After her announced death and with the given permission to move her to the cemetary... Probably one of the hardest things i had to do was carrying her coffin to thr grave while crying like a little bitch with thr memory of her final smile. If anything i'm grateful that she was able to find some peace before her departure.